I Give Up
Updated: Feb 2, 2021
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."-Soren Kierkegaard
I had just exited a counseling session, I was 20, newly married and felt the weight of the weekly ritual, my husband had dropped me off and had waited for me in the car, I got into the car and began to sob. This sob was not new to him, he had been beside me through a few years of these sessions, court ordered since I was 16.
As we were driving towards home he said something to me that rocked me. "I don't want to hear about this anymore, you need to let it go, it's killing you to go over it, and over it." I remember the feeling more than anything, my internal pounding, indignation. How could someone who "loved me" say such a thing to me? Striping me of my platform! I sat and sobbed all the more.
I have one of those minds that process constantly, knowing that my husband was not trying to hurt me more, yet it hurt terribly at that moment. I began to think on letting go, I thought through what that would look like to let go, to walk away from this place that I had been literally stuck, the excitement began to grow, I imagined being healed, I imagined a life without the memory, and I choose to quit it. I gave up talking about it, I gave up counseling, I gave up adding it to my journals, I essentially began to forget about it.
I slowly began to heal, as the reader here you might feel that I did not heal, I only stuffed it into some dark corner and am still affected by it, let me reassure you, I healed. How does one know that they healed? I would say first when you suffer, only you know the details of the suffering, only you feel the affects. My heart became happy, I began to feel my own strength, I began to have compassion and good will towards my offender, I felt peace with myself as I was, whole, and I began to act and live in that wholeness. Miraculous really, and It all started with a statement I didn't want to hear.
Thank those who move you to heal. My now ex-husband, I thank you. To my reader, I hope you are safe, I also hope that you have the strength to face your greatest struggles and heal. If you are not safe right now reach out. Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call one of the many resources. https://www.safefornowblog.com/need-help
*Disclaimer - This blog is not intended to be a replacement for medical or mental health treatment.