My Suicidal Thoughts
Updated: Dec 10, 2020
This blog post contains content of suicide ideation.
Talking about suicide hasn’t always been comfortable. I grew up in a country that made it criminal. Some faith systems still call it sin, and condemn the soul. Shame, fear and intolerance have made it seem that if you have thoughts of suicide you are sick, mentally ill or defective. I am here to share my own thoughts of suicide. I will also say, there is nothing wrong with me.
I share this with you... I loved someone who couldn’t love me the same. The realization was profound and painful. I thought the best way to stop the ache was to die. The pain experienced was to a depth beyond my ability to mentally stop it and I was living my greatest fear alone in my mind. I didn’t have at that very moment what I needed for strength, for maturity. I didn’t posses the mental frame work to say to myself “you are more important than lost love”, “let him go, be free and strong", "everything will be okay”, none of those commentaries played in my mind. I was broken. I wanted to stop the pain, I didn’t want to suffer anymore, I didn’t want to feel the abandonment, rejection or loss. I wanted it all to end, and death sounded like a real option to end it quickly. Luckily, I was soo unbelievably needy at that moment that I couldn’t let him go and that kept me from acting on my thoughts of suicide.
Talking about suicide is hard, the ones we loose to completed suicide are often the ones who don't share. I share my thoughts of suicide hoping to encourage anyone reading that they are safe to share. We all must be willing to talk about it, share, and unite in our effort to heal.
You know nothing, until you do.
Please, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts right now, reach out, help yourself, you matter. https://www.safefornowblog.com/need-help
*Disclaimer - This blog is not intended to be a replacement for medical or mental health treatment.